August 30th

By Sara Murray

On Substances and Feelings - an Expansion of my own 2020 musings.

This first quote is from something I wrote on September 4th 2020, upon observing some friends consuming substances all day everyday, with no intention of stopping. It frightened me, but I felt wrong for this because I felt like I was the only odd one out, and couldn’t give myself permission to individuate because in the past individuation meant unsafety.

“Many people consume drug after drug, drink after drink, day after day just to feel something.

Why is this?

We all just want to feel something, why do we become latched on to substances instead of experiences?

What is it about substances that gets people so hooked, to the point where they consume them all day everyday, funneling all their hard earned money into substances?

Why are we so programmed to sit and consume all day, seeing nothing wrong with it?

Many of us sit and watch tv while getting high or drunk all day everyday, except when we’re in work or school.

Why?”

— Sara Murray, 2020

Pain.

What if pain drives us to seek something to fill the void we feel within, and causes us to crave substances to numb how we feel?

I had just moved to Florida 2 weeks prior to writing this, and was so excited about this new chapter. We could smoke whenever we wanted, wherever we wanted, we could have parties and have people over. It was a fulfillment of my younger self’s long held desires at that time, but the high soon wore off and reality set in - is this what we’re going to do everyday? Forever? It felt very empty, but everyone around me seemed to be enjoying themselves, so I was confused.

A part of me wanted this - this feeling of freedom and true ability to do whatever I wanted whenever I wanted, but all that freedom was being filled with artificial highs, distractions and numbing activities… which was not as fulfilling as my younger self thought it would be. This behavior was modeled to me as being “normal” and something to strive towards, but when I got there and was living it, it was so empty. Tasteless. It didn’t feel good, especially the next day. And I did not understand why I felt this way, and why I was the only one.

Dramatic, maybe lol, but I’ve always been an observer. I’ve always been in tune with why people do the things they do, and why we act certain ways. In the past I have frequently fallen into cycles of partying, excess substance use, and prolonged psychedelic journeys, often following whatever group I was part of at the time. I would always reach a disillusion point, however… which would result in disconnecting from whomever I was hanging out with. They say you can’t get sober and continue hanging out in a bar everyday, it doesn’t work. So, as I would fall out of sync with my peers, my body rejecting the substances we were consuming and needing a break from the imbalances… and I would always blame myself. I would sit there, and ask myself “why am I like this? Why am I not like everyone else, why can’t I do what they do, why don’t I like what they seem to like? Why am I so different?”

I sat in this deep self analysis for years, both before and after my accident in 2017, wondering why, and what is wrong with me. I would join a new friend group, have so much fun for a while, then the high would come down and I would have to come back to reality, which would lead to spending more time alone in solitude and depression due to the separation I felt from everyone around me. Even my mom drank and partied, and would go out with my old friends. What the heck was wrong with me?

This separation I felt caused so much pain within me, and caused me to betray myself again and again for substances, for connection with others, and a feeling like I was part of a group, tribe, community. I always felt like I was on the outside in, that I had to do what others did to fit in, to be accepted and in the group. To avoid rejection…

After years of self awareness, introspection and contemplation of these themes, I realized something… what if this self betrayal in order to connect with others is rooted in a false belief? What if its rooted in a feeling of unsafety in regards to individuating? Meaning, what if I am afraid to individuate and choose whats best for me because in the past it got me rejected and betrayed?

From what I’ve observed within myself, I only crave or want to partake in substances when I am feeling some sort of pain - which, the root of pain is separation, so it all ties in together. When we are in physical pain, it is because the injured cells have been cut off from the source - disconnected from us, creating pain as a signal of this disconnection. When I am in any sort of pain, be it physical, mental, emotional or spiritual, I tend to seek substances to fill that void or numb the pain.

Another thing I have noticed is that I, and many of us, tend to fill the gaps with substances. Meaning, if we don’t know what to do, we smoke. We have a beer. Get a drink. Many times our own anxiety of the present moment drives us to ease the tension with substances - a pattern that is easy to fall into and very much normalized.

But this eventually starts to take a toll on the body, whether we are aware of it or not. I’ve always been highly sensitive - so drinking has been something that has been challenging for me, that I’ve used to numb social anxiety and feel included. I have had fun times while drinking, and its not always bad - but upon moving to Florida, and even much before, I felt partying and drinking had run its course for me, and as I was stepping into a new chapter I felt disharmony with alcohol more and more. The challenge was - my friends and those around me were still very much involved in drinking culture, so it took some time to have the strength to say no.

Now - there is another part to all this, with a lighter tone. I have always been a lover of stoner culture - I’ve contemplated this a lot, and gone back and forth between being fully in love and fully rejecting it as I’ve grappled with my own relationship with the sacred weed. It has served me well and resonates deep within my being. But, I do see how it can trap you a bit and keep you in a hazy weed cloud of seeking.

Psychedelics, weed and sacred planet medicines have served me well in my life, and have offered me so much wisdom and healing on my spiritual path. However, I have become too reliant on these medicines at times when I was in extensive pain, which absolutely served a purpose but also prolonged the suffering more than it had to at times.

The main substances I have seen abused by myself and those around me are alcohol and weed. Although I have rarely ever resonated with alcohol, weed has been a sacred plant ally for me in my life. But - I still notice that I rely too heavily on it when I am in increasing amount of pain.

The beginning of this article was inspired by my questioning of others relationship with weed and alcohol. I was watching my roommates and friends take bong rips hourly, and at first I loved joining them, but I remembered sitting back after just 2 weeks and really wondering if this was it. I could see that they were unconcious to what they were really doing, because they didn'‘t know what to do. There was a lot of pain within them - and it appeared they were too afraid to face it, talk about it or acknowledge it - instead striving towards high vibrations, love and light work. I actually lost connection with all of these friends because I got sober a few months later, and we could not understand each others differing paths. There was a lot to this falling out, which I am still healing to this day, but a major aspect to it was that I could not accept my friends for their unhealthy lifestyles, and they rejected me for my healthy and pure lifestyle.

I’ve found that the more I accept my lower self, the more it brings me closer to people of all different paths, and does not further separation. For a while, especially during 2020-2021, I was clinging to my higher self and purity because I was afraid of the temptation of the lower self, and this caused me to be judgmental and unaccepting of those around me who were journeying with their lower self. I now see that just because I do not want to do something, and just because I choose differently than people, doesn’t mean I have to love them any less or separate from them.

Next, I’ll go into my journey of sobriety in 2021 that both taught me a lot but broke so much apart within myself and my reality.

In the spring of 2021, a few friends and I embarked on an ayahuasca journey at Soul Quest in central Florida - and I felt called to become completely sober a few months before. This felt like my ticket to finally do what I’ve deep down wanted to do for so long - be sober, and vegan. Those around me were not interested in this, so I felt scared to individuate even though this felt like a resonant path for me. And let me tell you - I have never felt as radiant, clear and content as I was during this healthy period of my life. It was easy to walk away from weed because I had a higher calling to move towards, and I knew I could go back to it in the future.

This was a period of profound health, shifting and expansion. However, it was built on shakey foundations, so my sobriety didn’t last. Because I was focused on my health for an end goal - being clean and clear for ayahuasca - when that goal was met, I could not sustain the lifestyle any longer because the goal was missing. This has taught me sooooooo much over the years - the fact that we cannot make permanent shifts if we do them to get something in return. I’ll repeat :

We cannot make permanent shifts in our lives if we are making them to get something in return. We must create shifts, new choices, in our lives as a reflection of who we are being - not to get a desired end result.

That something we want could be a desired emotional state, life milestone or accomplishment that we think will make us feel better in the end. We are seeking things as a means to an end - which is unsustainable in the long run.

This ties into substances because it is a similar dynamic - we drink, we smoke, we seek to feel better, to get more creative, to reach a desired emotional or physical state, to get something in return.

This is faulty in nature, because what we experience in our lives is a direct reflection of who we are being - what we are thinking, feeling and doing - according to the laws of nature.

We hear these concepts a lot in regards to the Law of Attraction and manifesting. Many teachers say to embody the vibration of what you want to attract, and this is how we manifest. This is 1 piece to the puzzle - and another is the actions we are taking, and who we are being when we take those actions.

So, when we smoke, drink, or do any outsourcing of feel good energy to something outside of us, we dig ourselves into a trench because the feelings we grasp are false in nature. In the end, they make us feel worse because they don’t heal the void within us. We seek these substances under the illusion that they make us feel what we want, and maybe they do offer us the sensations our body craves temporarily… but how do we feel in a few hours? The next day? How much time can you spend sober, or not thinking about the next time you’re going to drink or smoke?

This is challenging stuff. It is the very stuff that I think almost all humans deal with from time to time - whether its an attachment to substances, or sweets, or Pepsi, shopping, seeking knowledge… They say attachment is the root of all suffering, and these stories shared today go along with this truth in many ways. These perspectives invite us to open our minds to see beyond what is right in front of us, to tune into what is beyond the cravings of our lower self and the desire to distract ourselves from reality at any cost. We are so, so powerful… and we are being invited to become more self aware at this time of global human expansion.

I hope this makes sense for you guys, and as always take what resonates and leave what does not. These are merely reflections, opinions and personal truths regarding the topics of substances, sobriety and why we do what we do.

I by no means have it all figured out - these topics have just been coming to me as I am currently on a wedding vacation in Vermont with friends who are bringing up this old energy. I’ve had fun leaning into drinking a bit this summer, but it has also caused me a lot of suffering in regards to my health, so it puts me in a similar spot I was in 4 years ago. I find myself wishing I had something like ayahuasca to be my ticket to good health again - but I have felt that this time around I am meant to do things differently, and find true sustainable health with no crutches, no band aids and no end result or goals in mind. To just be the physical representation of health and wellbeing in physical form - this is what I seek now in my life. No more artificial joy, distractions or false promises of feel good vibes - I want the real fricken thing. And that comes through authentic living in alignment with the essences of health, prosperity, joy and freedom.

It comes as a reflection of who I am being, and has nothing to do with what I am doing.

I’ll end with an excerpt from the book “Living With Joy” by Sanaya Roman, a channelled text with Sanaya’s spirit guide.

Much Love & Namaste,

Sara Murray

*** I must add, this was started at 11:11 and completed at 4:44 :D ***

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